Tools...

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Tools...

Written by Admin

Monday, 02 February 2009 03:18

> We all use them but do we all know their intended purpose?
>
>   *DRILL PRESS:* A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
> freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
> where nothing could get to it.
>
> *WIRE WHEEL:* Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
> and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
> to say, 'Oh sh -- '
>
> *ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:* Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>
> *SKILL SAW:* A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> *PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
> of blood-blisters.
>
> *BELT SANDER:* An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
> *HACKSAW:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> *VISE-GRIPS:* Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
>   heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer
>   intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> *OXYACETYLENE TORCH:* Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
> grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
> race.
>
> *TABLE SAW:* A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> *HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:* Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> *BAND SAW:* A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
> the outside edge.
>
> *TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:* A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength
> of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> *PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:* Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
> lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
> on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
> Phillips screw heads.
>
> *STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:* A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
> to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
> butchering your palms.
>
> *PRY BAR:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> *HOSE CUTTER:* A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> *HAMMER:* Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
>
> *UTILITY KNIFE:* Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
> parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
> use.
>
> *DAMN-IT TOOL:* Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage
> while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need.
>

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